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Years Later Second Guessing Still

2/4/2021

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PictureTwo Road Diverged
Forty-0ne years ago today I started to work for San Bernardino County.  I spent the first four years with the Department of Public Social Services.  In '84  I went to work with the Public Guardian/Public Administrator's office, where I spent the next 25 years for a total of 29 years, four months, four days and four hours (approximately).  I laugh that I figured that out, but it is pretty much accurate.  It was a career I guess.

Now, going on twelve years in retirement, (I did retire young they say), I look back and still wonder if I did the right thing.  I stayed even when many times I wanted desperately to leave.  It was a good job overall, and very interesting at times.  I dealt with people's lives and estates, trying to help those who couldn't help themselves or those who had no one else to wrap up their affairs.  I worked with some wonderful folks and we are still friends.  And of course there were some things I never got used to, like office politics and such, but overall, it was a choice I made to stay.

That all said, and after all this time, I still look back and wonder, "What if?"  What if I had pursued my real dreams?  What if I had more confidence in myself, believed in my talents and abilities and really lived the life I dreamed of?  As I kid and even into high school and college, I always thought I wanted to be one (or all) of the following:  teacher, writer, artist, bon-vivant.  And over the years I have dabbled in all of them.  And here I am, still second guessing myself.  For criminy sake.  

So here I am.  I earned a comfortable retirement.  Its the security I thought I needed to obtain.  At what price?  In the end, though, I am content.  I am doing fine.  And here I am getting back to writing again and working toward other artistic interests. As usual, life is a series of starts and sputters.  Here I am, starting again.  The second guessing is more of a musing these days.  Thank goodness it is not paralyzing any more!  But like the poem by Robert Frost,  it came to many a fork in the road...but I, I tended to take the road well travelled, which, of course, has made all the difference.

The Road Not Taken by Robert Frost

​Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,

And sorry I could not travel both

And be one traveler, long I stood

And looked down one as far as I could

To where it bent in the undergrowth;


Then took the other, as just as fair,

And having perhaps the better claim,

Because it was grassy and wanted wear;

Though as for that the passing there

Had worn them really about the same,


And both that morning equally lay

In leaves no step had trodden black.

Oh, I kept the first for another day!

Yet knowing how way leads on to way,

I doubted if I should ever come back.


I shall be telling this with a sigh

Somewhere ages and ages hence:

Two roads diverged in a wood, and I--

I took the one less traveled by,

And that has made all the difference.
1 Comment
Debbie
2/4/2021 04:32:53 pm

I think you took the right road I say this my dear friend because your gave your gift of love and support to so many, this is one of your “arts”. ❤️ The lives you touched and the lives that touched you, made you happy. We must all be practical to truly enjoy what we want to do in our life and retirement life. You have the softness of a healer and Angel 😇 Continue the other road you have many years ahead of you. ❤️

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    Rob McMurray,
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