Sometimes I wonder if anyone understands me. At the same time, I often wonder if I understand anyone else. On a day like Valentine's when people who live singular lives, its hard not to wonder if anyone really understands what its like. Yes, I do know many people who are also alone. And, yes, I do get that ultimately we are all alone.
But alone...what does that really mean?
Don't get me wrong, I have many friends, some family, and I treasure them all. I think in the final analysis, they do understand me, but, I wonder, do they understand? How can they compeletly understand me, when I don't completely understand myself?
I surely don't understand why I sitting here on a Friday night, a Valentine's Day evening, with just my three (wonderful) dogs and (intriguing) cat. Part of me thinks I should be out, as Petula Clark sings in that old song from my youth, Downtown . It was very black and white as you will see in the video below. And Pet jerks her head and swings her arms just as if all the woes of being single can be solved by going downtown.
And I believed her words then. I know this particular song by heart. And I believe the words now. So why am I not "downtown" you say? See, even you don't understand. LOL.
Any way, I do know there are solutions to this problem...if indeed it is a problem. Sometimes looking for distractions is not the answer. Sitting with the question and opening to an answer is. The answer, I also believe, is here, right now. I just need to come to an understanding and accept whatever it is.
Lest you think I am depressed or just whining, well, I don't think I am. I know I can do something about it. For some reason I choose not to. I know I've examined this before. Grant me one more time. (And there may be others). I do enjoy my own company. I really do. Its just these dang expectations that sometimes rear their ugly heads that haunt me. Its okay. It really is.
So here's to the real meaning of Valentine's Day. True love is to directed outward at its highest and inward as its foundation. Loving yourself is where it begins. Lovings others is where it continues. And I am there. Just not taking it downtown tonight.