Much of my life I've fantasized being part of someone's "in" crowd. You know, one of the "cool" kids. Someone in the "know", someone who was envied by nerds and outsiders. It seemed to me I was always on the outside looking in. I didn't belong with those I thought were bright, slick, attractive or witty and fun to be around. Their conversations seemed deep. Their activities seemed fun and adventurous.
I don't worry about being "cool" so much any more. Other than realizing I'm much too old and much too worried about being safe and secure to ever achieve such a goal, it just doesn't seem to be important any more.
I am me.
Yes, I am me and that is okay with me. I finally have a pretty firm grasp on who I am and where I belong and where I am going with the rest of my life. Oh, I won't say there aren't times I wish I could run with the pack. There are still time I wish I had taken more chances along the way, exercised more risks, been a thrillseeker and in general had more fun. But I don't live there any more. I live where I am these days.
And that's a good place to be.
I think its okay to be a little boring, a little on the sidelines, a little uninspiring. Actually, I have found a way to contribute to the lives of others while enhancing my own. I work on doing those things that bring me joy like going to movies and plays, taking photographic safaris or writing my thoughts down in blogs or essays. Gardening is therapuetic and rewarding. I've been "nesting" too be re-creating my personal space in my home. Here's the one I've wrestled with all my life: being a "nice guy". I now know it's okay to be a nice guy. Nice guys finish last they say. Pish tosh. (If I were a "cool hip and happenin' guy, you know I would use one of those expletives that are flying around everywhere these days). I have realized there is no need to be in the race. There is no competition in living your own life. I won't say I don't sometimes compare myself to those I consider more successful or accomplished than I. But the bottom line is I am who I am supposed to be. And as I said before, that's okay with me.
So rather than pursue being part of the in crowd, maybe I will just continue to fantasize and observe. No harm in that. But at the proverbial end of the day, being the best me I can be is the best thing I can do.