All the Voices I've Heard

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Last night I went out on my front porch to just sit after what had been a pretty good day.  I just wanted to “sit a spell” and let it all soak in.  Yesterday was one of those days when everything just seemed to go so right.  Nothing major, just an all round “this is how it should be” kind of day.  I was up fairly early, wrote my morning pages, blogged what will become part of my memoir, worked a bit in the side yard and walked the dogs.  I ran a few errands, had lunch, a nap in the hammock after reading some and got cleaned up before fixing some dinner and going to a photography club meeting I have been intending to check out for a long time.


It was a good day.  I just wanted to savor it a bit.


It was quiet on the porch so I was free to let my thoughts wander while I enjoyed a bit of dulce de leche ice cream.  What could be better than that?  Then Miguelito, my little chorkie dog, decided to let out a war-hoop and chase the cat and that was that.  Time to go to bed.  And I slept very well.  I really did.


This morning I wrote my morning pages again, out on the sideyard deck.  It is a wonderful place, secluded from the street and neighbors, yet letting all the sounds of morning in.  I heard the neighbors leaving for work, a landscaper begin to mow and the traffic in the distance beginning the daily rush to work and school.  I felt so blessed to be able to just write and ponder the meanings of life.


Checking Facebook as I always do, I found the above meme posted by one of my dear friends.  At first I thought about how true it seemed.  I do look skyward and talk to whatever super being is up there, perhaps the moon.  Wouldn’t it be nice to hear it talk back?  But then I realized that is me trying to make “God” human.  That isn’t gonna happen.  We can’t contain something that is so large, so infinitely omnipresent.  We just have to let it be.  Besides, it is always “talking” to us in all those things I mentioned above.  


This is a good time for me.  Having been through some sad days of late, losing good friends, feeling stymied by distractions and other-oriented demands, it was due.  I have taken up the pen and the camera again.  And, as happened in my morning pages, the critic once again reared its ugly little head.  “It’ll never last.”  “You’ll get side-tracked again.”  “You’ll say yes when you mean no.”  It warned that I’ll succumb to distractions and take side-tracks.  And of course I have to wonder why?


Perhaps it is because those are the familiar ways.  They are comfortable even in their uncomfortableness.  A paradox.  We choose what is familiar, I suppose, because change is scary.  They say be the change you want to see.  I try and then I feel like I am being unfaithful to the old ways, to that little voice that tries to keep me safe by keeping me from change, from staying the course.


I have to say I am so fortunate to be able to make that choice.  So many are not in that position right now.  I can follow my passion.  I can say yes.  I can say no.  But even as I write that, a small wave of anxiety washes over me.  To that I should say “so be it!”  And make the choice that is right for me.  


At the moment everything has become very still out here on the deck.  It is as if the universe is waiting.  “What will he do next?”  “All,” as another friend is apt to say, “shall be revealed.”


Yes indeed, all shall be revealed.  In the meantime, this feels right and good.  And shall be my meditation for today. 

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